Mama
is dead.
They found her Saturday, on the kitchen floor of her home in
Memphis. The
window in her bedroom was open; the back door unlocked and a lamp was knocked over. Her little dog, Mimi, was missing. Had Mama been the victim of a
robbery gone wrong? Detectives were called in. They found her purse; her credit
cards were intact. The TV was still there, her jewelry. They found Mimi in a
spare bedroom, starving, dehydrated and clinging to life. The detectives did
not suspect foul play. Then how did she die?
From
a picture, I see she looked fine on Thanksgiving—in good health for a woman of 77.
But she was taking heart medication. Had she missed a dose–or two? There were
pills strewn across her bed. Maybe she had a heart attack and went quickly. It
even crossed my mind that it could have been suicide. It was almost exactly the
same time right before Christmas that Daddy was killed in a car accident many
years ago. Not knowing is excruciating. An autopsy has
been ordered, but we have yet to get the results.
My
mama is dead. The mama I never truly had, and yet, now that she’s gone, I am
filled with sorrow for the loss. I cried when the news sunk in. Why, after the cruel way
she treated me—after the abuse I wrote about in the book? I wondered
myself. Just how is a victim of child abuse supposed to feel when her abusive parent dies? I think I would have cried hearing that anyone passed in such
a sad, lonely way. I think. Or maybe I cried simply because she was my mother,
my flesh and blood and because I know with her died any chance of the two of
us ever having a relationship. That truth is now painfully stamped into my
heart.
My
mama is dead and I am sad. I write this through tears. But wait, should I be
sad? In the many private hours she spent alone, by choice, I know hers was a
soul in turmoil. Now it’s at peace, and I should be relieved for her, right? Relieved that her burden has finally been
lifted.
Her
funeral is Thursday. She will be buried beside Daddy in her
home town. And I will be there. After the funeral my brothers and I plan to go
back to her house and go through some of her things. In her personal effects
and private papers, I hope to find some traces that she loved me after all. I
will need your prayers.
This made me cry reading. I hope you find what you are looking for Donna. God Bless
ReplyDeleteThank you, Amy.
DeleteI know you are in pain. It's funny, but expected, that the words that you wrote are almost exactly what I told Gary last night that you would be feeling. I am praying for you and your family. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for always being there for me. BFA.
DeleteYou ask why you should be sad. This "...simply because she was my mother, my flesh and blood and because I know with her died any chance of the two of us ever having a relationship." would make any daughter sad.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your sadness. No matter what you find or do not find at the house, I hope you will find some peace for your soul and some comfort with loved ones. You will be in my prayers.
Thank you for your kind words and prayers, Margie.
DeleteSorry for your loss and hope that you find what you looking for. But find peace first and remember that you unconditionally loved her even through all the pain she caused you. God Bless you. I will pray for you.
ReplyDeleteThe kindness of a stranger always touches me. Thank you for your support.
DeleteHello. This is strange. I just finished reading your story, decided to check out your page and see that your mother just passed away.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'd like to thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope that in telling it that you have found empowerment from your will to survive and to now help others.
I too was a victim of abuse. A different kind, sexual and emotional neglect. I found a similarity in our stories with our fathers. My father is living and when I see him (couple times a year) behaves as a loving father. While I didn't live with him full time when I was being abused, I did make him aware of it, yet he did not "rescue" me as I so wished he would. As I grew older and had kids of my own I tried to make since of my parents, who said they loved me, but allowed these things to happen. I know what it feels like to love my child and I cannot imagine EVER letting them go through what I went through.
Another thing that drove me nuts as I was reading your story was the incompetence of your teachers and neighbors. I experienced that as well, tho' I was in no way showing my abuse on the outside as severely as you were. I give credit to Oprah Winfrey for opening up dialogue about abuse in the '80's and for making people more aware and giving the abused more courage to speak up.
I lost my mother 1 1/2 years ago. I can tell you that it will probably bring a whole new wave of questioning for you and sorrow. Sometimes we just don't get answers, but I hope that you know that you are a very special lady. You deserved to be loved to the fullest. God carried you to the other side and you will always have His love.
Again, thank you for sharing your story. You touched my heart.
Thank you so much for sharing a part of your life of abuse with me. I always welcome such stories from others as it amazes me how many suffered in much the same way that I did, possibly at the same time. Now we can cry out to each other for the help we never received as children. You and I are kindred spirits. I cannot thank you enough, sweet stranger.
DeleteYou are very welcome. We are special souls and I believe through our experiences we are more empathetic than the average person. Hopefully we can help others because of that. Stay strong! You are a miracle!
DeleteI just finished your book, "Call me Tuesday." I am deeply sadened by the aweful treatment you received from one of the people that should have protected you at all costs. While your mother suffered a head trauma, there is absolutely no way I will understand your father 's actions, and at times, your brother 's actions as well. You are a very strong person, and we may never understand God's reasons for such things, but we are to never question Him. Just know, He loves you unconditionally. I have 3 children and have shared your story with my 9 and 11 year olds and they were releived to know that you are a success story. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kindness. It makes me so happy that you shared my story with your kids. I tried to keep the curse words to a minimum and left out some of the more graphic aspects of the violence just so it would be appropriate for children, so to hear that you shared it with yours means a lot to me. Thanks again.
DeleteI read your book and could barely put it down. The abuse you suffered was actually by both your parents, one inflicted and the other turned a blind eye. Your Grandmother told you that God lets things happen for a reason. Well this book I feel is part of that reason. You are one of the strongest women or men I know of.
ReplyDeleteI also suffered abuse, mine was sexual at the hands of my father.
It just kills me how you had to suffer in silence for so many years.
It just breaks my heart that you had to suffer at the hands of the people that should have loved you the most.
I thank God that I had a wonderful mother. I lost my mother 3years ago due to an auto accident and I still cry, it still hurts so bad.
I think your tears that you shed for your mother's death was probably for the mother she was at one time and for the mother you wanted her to be.
I thank you for sharing your story, you are an inspiration.
Colette, I'm so sorry for the pain you endured as a child. You say I am the strongest woman you know of? Well, maybe you should look in the mirror, sweetheart, and get to know the courageous woman you see there!
DeleteThank you for this comment. I just ran across it--five months after you wrote it--and was deeply touched by your kindness. Thank you.
I just read both of your books, in the past 2 nights at work while we were between patients in the ED. I had to find you so I could tell you that you give me hope. After a childhood very similar to yours, replace your mama with my father, I had almost given up on life. Your resilience through a bad marriage, echo's mine. Your children living with their father by choice, mirrors my experience. I strive to overcome and rise above what my father did to me. He broke me in so many ways. I wished his family would believe. I wish my own brother would believe. I wish I could talk about it without feeling like I am disparaging my fathers name. He's been gone for 16 years now...and I broke down at his coffin. They had to carry me out. Even after all he did, he was still my dad. I get it. I honestly get it.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Theresa, for contacting me. A lot of people still don't believe parents actually abuse their own kids, or they don't believe it was as bad as we say, and NO ONE can understand how we feel...the love we still have for our abusers...unless they, too, have lived it. That's why I get you and you get me, yet it's difficult for people who grew up in loving environments to comprehend. I can tell you that there is an alarming number of people like us out there, and that's something I never knew until my story was published. Before I started getting letters from other abuse victims, I thought Dave Pelzer and I were the only two people in the world who had a crazy, abusive parent. I wish that were true. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you can somehow find joy in your life.❤️
DeleteDear Leigh, I first read this post a couple of days ago. I have read it several times since. The emotions this gives me are too big to put into words. I don't even know what else to say, my heart is too full.
Delete<3
❤️ 💔
DeleteI get it too, Theresa. My abusive dad died in 1988 and it still hurts, knowing that he and I will never be all right again. My abusive mother is still alive but she is in her eighties and she and I will never be all right.
ReplyDeleteThe pain of not being believed hurts almost as bad as the trauma and abuse did. Sometimes, not being believed seems to hurt worse than the trauma.
((HUG))
Dear Leigh,
ReplyDeleteHmm where do I begin? Ok it's going to be all over the place. I follow Linda's blog and read the post scapegoat... I got to your blog and read the post twice... then I looked by the corner and saw this post among others... like to be very sure you were actually saying the moma who abused you is atlast dead (which I shamefully or honestly hoped she was), I clicked on this one... I am getting your memoirs because I want read all of what you share and know as I already do that many others got it worse off than I did. The deal is the scars, trauma (psychological, emotional, physical even spiritual) and even rejection by family and friends either out of disbelief in you, your story or your fucked up life, can push you to commit or attempt suicide like myself. and check out the stats, many of us females very often getting into some sort of marriage which ends up fucked up. My kids may not know so much about abuse, I can't even bear to whack them except when very necessary and we discuss that before hand and agree on the number of strokes or etc... In short, since it's been some years since your mama died, I hope my not saying anything 'nice or empathetic' about her death and the 'bond' that never was or will be, is ok... I really don't have much to write apart to cheer you up in your journey. Like you, I have published my memoirs and speak up about the likes of child abuse, domestic abuse, self abuse/sabotage etc at all opportunities and platforms I can...In my country Cameroon and my culture, I am doing the unthinkable, so unconventional, near disgusting shamful and spiteful and all... but am healing and I deserve this healing after 37 years of mixed torment
Thank you for checking out my blog...thanks to a Linda, you found it. I can certainly identify with the scars you mentioned, psychological, emotional, and with family disbelief. I'm so sorry for you, for the pain you suffered. So glad you published your story, its cathartic and you will help others. I know your road to healing will be long, but stay the course. Thank you for reaching out and I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteI lived a similar, if not so severe childhood. My parents passed in 2000 and 2001 so it has been some time since. I run the gamut between love and resentment for my fathers actions, but I am quite certain of my feelings about my mother.
ReplyDeleteI love/loved my mother, but I absolutely don't like her.
I cannot get her voice out of my head. It is like an ominous echo across time. I ran away when I was nearly 15 and my dad let me go because he knew he couldn't protect me. This was truly the only step he took to save me. When he passed, my mother for the first time since I ran away from home, called me. Not to be kind....she said "Your father hated your guts. How does it feel to know that even on his deathbed he hated you so much that he didn't want to see you?" That was where I hung up the phone, but the damage was done. I knew better than to believe her, but also knew the hard truths by then about how much he could have done with a backbone. I knew he loved me, but also knew he would never have stepped in to protect me. He was however willing to sign papers and let me go. I did see him before he passed, and knew because of events that he didn't hate me. It has been nearly 35 years since I ran away, and I still haven't come to terms with all that my mother did. Like all stories you will hear, some are worse in places and some are far tamer, mine was less in most aspects than yours. I have talked about it to some friends, and they said I should write a book, but I always stop at "Nobody is going to believe that this much could happen to one person."
If I could suffocate my mother's voice in my head life would be better. It echos at the most inconvenient times. When I need courage, or sleep. I am finally talking to a psychiatrist.
The long and the short of it is that because she was my mother I love her.....but that is all I am capable of loving her for.
Allie, I know exactly how you feel...it's a love/hate relationship with our mothers. You are the first person who has contacted me whose father was spineless like mine, but, for some reason, we both still had the feeling that they loved us even though they did hardly anything to protect us from our mothers' wrath. Thank you for sharing that with me...it makes me feel better.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your friends. You should write a book. It will help others, plus you clearly have a way with words.
Thanks for sharing a bit of your story with me, and I wish you nothing but the best!
I read your first book yesterday and the second today....I couldn't put them down. I was deeply saddened to read your stories. I am very fortunate to not have been abused in any way. However, I believed everything you said. Like some of the others have said, I held your father responsible for a lot. If your Mother truly had a mental disorder, why didn't he get her to a psychiatrist / psychologist.......that is what is perplexing to me. I was routing for you in both books and so happy you ended up with a great guy. Best wishes to you!
ReplyDelete